Chapter 11: My issues with…skincare and makeup routines

“I love clothes, but I don’t know what to put on myself, let alone others. I have a lot of help getting dressed.”

— Jennifer Aniston

I live by the mantra, “Better dressed up than down.” 

And while a smile really is the best makeup any girl can wear, I'm not sure that holds true for middle-aged women like myself, who’s managed to live this long without a regular skincare routine or any inkling as to how to properly put on rouge or lipstick.

Now, I want my face to be better dressed up than down, too.

I am and have always been on team natural. Which these days means that whenever I post a photo of myself, I must declare there is #nofilter to make me look like — let’s be honest — a better version of myself.

So, I have a Glam Squad. 

Having a Glam Squad is highly efficient. Makeup also terrifies me. I just never learned how to put it on.

I know! Shocking.

I have no idea where “Glam Squad” came from, but I really do feel like I went to bed one night having never heard a single person utter the term to waking up in a world where, suddenly, everyone was talking about Glam Squads.

Having a Glam Squad is sort of like having your own personal entourage of beauty experts — actually that’s exactly what it is — ready to beautify you before an event in the comfort of your own home, which I love because I do not enjoy the pre-party process of upping my glam game.

My Glam Squad consists of a pedicurist and manicurist, a makeup artist, a hairstylist, and often an aesthetician with a portable hot waxing machine thingy (gotta remove those last-minute hairs where there shouldn’t be any — like the upper lip!)

My Glam Squad has become family. They are reliable, skilled and, most importantly, kind and loyal humans — as you should be too. The LAST thing you want to do is piss off a member of your squad just before a fabulous event. They’re the ones wielding the all-powerful brushes, hot irons, and wax strips!

You need to trust them. Sure, you may be paying them, but you do become reliant on your  Glam Squad. After all, you’ve handed your face over to them. So, even if you’re thinking, “They’re going to make me look like a hooker,” or “It’s too much!” or “Will I look even older with this much makeup?” just go with it.

Even if the steak arrived cooked just the way you like it (finally!), tell me you’ve never once had the thought that the waiter spit on your food?

Glam Squads who come to you, I think, are probably one of the best inventions ever. Especially for people who want things done efficiently. 

Why wouldn’t I want three or four people working on me — at the same time — thus cutting out running around to the hairdresser, nail salon, makeup counter, and let’s not forget about those unwanted hairs. Glam Squads save at least three hours of preparation.

Okay, it may sound super pretentious, vain, and completely ridiculous to have assembled a group of pros to help “get my glam on,” but we all have our go-to hairdresser, aesthetician, etc., right? So all I’m doing is rounding them up. (Also, I did the math. If you find the right Glam Squad, it can actually be cheaper than leaving your house to go to three different places.)

For people like me, getting ready by myself is a chore. Like, my Glam Squad always greets me with, “We know. You don’t want us here for more than 40 minutes…”

Trust me,  if I didn’t set time restrictions, they’d spend several extra hours testing 20 different eyeshadows, plastering my hair straight, and making sure there’s not a cuticle in sight — and at that point just order dinner and stay in…forever. (Oh, how I wish upon a Glam Squad to live with me!)

And if that’s the case, after the 17th makeup brush emerges, my ego will start to get a little bruised, not gonna lie. I’ll be thinking, “Either they’re all perfectionists OR it takes that long to make me presentable. Like, just how ugly do they think I am?”

The rare times I’m not in a rush, though, I’ll tell them, “You have my full permission to have fun with my face,” meaning I will sit there for as long as it takes, without worrying they’re making me look like an escort (#nojudgement) and an expensive one at that! I’ll also be asking really interesting questions like, “What would happen if you only used seven different shades of blush instead of eight? Would no one approach me?”

The answer is a big fat YES! Nowadays, you need several different layers of blush and bronzer and contour and blah blah blah, all in different shades, for anyone to want to talk to you.

This is why my makeup artist arrives with a suitcase — and I mean a suitcase I would use for a two-week vacation. Maybe even a month’s vacation! ALL because I don’t own any makeup. Like. Zero.

My makeup artist will then lay out about 200 different colours of eyeshadows, 110 mascaras, 123 eyeliners, and 189 blushes (with 211 different-sized brushes). I guarantee that my dining room table has been used more for “glam” than eating. 

Who the hell knew that it’s not just one colour that goes on the top of your eyelid? ANOTHER colour "blends" under the crease for contrast and, as my makeup artist says, a "super dramatic look.” 

And I’m like, “It’s 2:00 p.m. and we’re going to a brunch. Do you think I need a super dramatic look?” But she’s never failed me.

Let me share my skincare and makeup routine (prepare to gasp).

First, I wash my face with a bar of Irish Spring or Dove soap because I like the smell. Then, I grab a towel to dry my face. 

Oh, were you waiting for more? There is no more.

I know, sorry, it’s so very anti-climatic. And to be honest, most nights I forget to wash my face anyway…

And guess what? 

Last week, TWO people told me out of nowhere that my skin looked amazing. Like, they were gushing over it, which doesn’t happen much after you hit 45. I have to say, I do believe that the fact that I’ve only ever worn makeup for special occasions my entire life IS the reason my skin looks good. Or maybe they were just fucking liars.

Yeah, I’m going to go with I have good skin.

When asked what products I use, they were appalled that I only use a bar of soap — a skincare routine that a four-year-old could follow and that I’ve personally been following since I was four.

I hate admitting this because 100 percent of people’s responses are sheer disbelief. And then, inevitably, they will recommend me 80 different skincare products they swear by, which I need to use in the morning and before bed — sometimes with up to four or five cleansers/creams/serums! (Whatever the hell that means. Skincare lingo is a language I don’t understand, so I either need an interpreter or some kind of glossary.)

“You don’t wear any makeup?” they say in shock, leading me to wonder why people don’t believe this OR whether they’re thinking, “You probably would look better with some makeup.”

My Glam Squad is also my team of stylists. After I show them a couple of outfits, they have their own little brainstorming session right in front of me, acting as if I don’t hear them talking about me or my body in the third person: “You know that Rebecca doesn’t like to show that much cleavage,” and “Her eyes would really pop in this outfit,” and “Wouldn’t she look great in those high boots with these red lips?”

When I was growing up, there were no “Master Classes” (also two words that just — POOF — went viral overnight). If you haven’t come across this phenomenon, it’s where you can pay and watch videos about literally anything, like a “68-step tutorial on the makeup contouring trend everyone is talking about.”

“Contouring” is another word that, out of the blue, I started to hear everywhere I went.

I once took my daughter to get her makeup done when she was in her early teens so she could learn how to put on age-appropriate makeup and practice in front of an expert. I even asked my wonderful Israeli contact (who does my facials) to teach her a proper skincare routine, even though her natural skin was flawless. 

My daughter’s generation knows and believes that keeping up a morning AND night skincare routine from a very young age is just as crucial as, well, oxygen. Many take the latest trend in makeup as seriously as climate change.

My daughter knows what toner actually does and what a pore is. I don't! 

Thanks to this generation of skincare-obsessed teens, my daughter’s face is LIVING ITS BEST LIFE — the modern-day goal of all humans. 

I finally decided it’s time I learn my own make-up routine — maybe some blush, mascara, lipstick, and foundation — just enough to be able to walk out of the house looking like I’ve never had kids and have been sleeping just fine the past 18 years. 

And I do own a ton of skincare products that I’m sure are super fabulous, which is why I ordered them. I’m just lazy AF.

I have always thought I look better without makeup. Makeup makes me look older than I am! Or like a kid took some liberty on my face with their school markers.

Nothing makes me more uncomfortable (aside from dentists) than wearing makeup. Believe it or not, I had to get used to having a Glam Squad.

My mom is hashtag-natural too. Back then there was no such thing as a Glam Squad, where four experts came over to beautify you at the same time. 

My squad always meets my glam goals, but frankly? I’m scared of makeup.

We go through the same song and dance every time my Glam Squad comes over. They’ll ask what the occasion is. I tell them. They ask what “look” I’m going for, to which I retort, “I have no clue. That's why you’re here!” 

Or, depending on the event my face needs to be at, I will say, “Just make it look like I didn’t spend 45 minutes getting my makeup professionally done.” 

Or sometimes, the best way to describe my desired look is, “Just make me look like you want to f**k me,” which is actually a great answer because everyone understands THAT.

I’ve had to get used to their directions. For example, when they’re putting on my eyeliner: “look down. No, a little higher. No, too high! Close them a little more…”

And eyelash curlers hurt. 

I could go on for hours about fake eyelashes. I’m so terrified that I’ll sneeze and one will fly off.

In all seriousness, my squad is the best. They’re good friends who tell the truth, and they fully recognize that your face, hair, and nails are your best assets to flaunt. So of course, they want you to look good. 

Which is why I think, along with starting a regular skincare routine with all these yet-to-be-used impulse buys from the last couple of years, I'm going to get my makeup artist to, at last, teach me how to put on makeup. 

Yes, in my mid-forties. 

In any case, My Guy says I look “so pretty” without makeup. Then again, he’ll often offer to pay for my glam. So…I’m not completely sure if he’s full of shit.

But I am sure that one of the best feelings in the world is when your Glam Squad holds up a mirror after all their hard work, and you think, “Yes! I am at the peak of hotness.”